We’ve all seen the videos—“The Ten Things An Avoidant Would Never Tell You” or “The 3 Magic Phrases That Bring the Avoidant Back to Your Yard” or “How Your Avoidant is Lying to You.”

You’ll find a lot of certainty in these videos. These “relationship coaches” all over social media sell a lot of guarantees in relationships. They exploit the anxiety, uncertainty, and self-doubt you might be feeling in your current situationship (or relationship if you got there. Kudos, for real).

And that shit does sell. As a secure-leaning, anxiously attached woman, I cannot tolerate uncertainty. I need answers. Now.

So when I say I get it, I really mean, I get it.

But here’s the thing: there is no guarantee.  The longer you hold onto that promise, the more anxious you become. The more hooked you get. There’s a real, valid reason part of the Alcoholic’s Creed says, “God grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Acceptance of what you cannot alter is the power. It is the engine. It is what propels you out of the anxious loop and into security. It sounds counterintuitive, I know, but it is what heals you.

Let’s agree, then, to drop the certainties and guarantees right here. The Avoidantly Attached can be predictable in many ways, but there is no black and white here. Avoidants are humans. They are touched by different experiences, backgrounds, cultures, values. They can be vastly different from each other. There is a spectrum, first of all, and different degrees of—well, I won’t say “severity.” That sounds like diagnosing mental illness. We’ll say, different degrees of integration. How deep in their bones their fear goes and how strongly it defines their behaviors.

There are even more differences. Some avoidants internalize and others externalize. The ones in those videos you watch? The ones that say, “You’re too needy”? Those are avoidants who externalize their dysregulation. They blame everyone except themselves. Yes, they are out there. Yes, they are common. But do you know who else is out there?

The ones that internalize their dysregulation. The ones that blame themselves for not being enough, for not being able to offer enough, who shrink at the mere notion of failing at loving you. These are shame-based avoidants. Their behaviors can be similar, that’s true, but the nuance here matters.

Let’s take a moment here to name this concretely. Say, our avoidant is giving you mixed signals, and you tolerate it for a time—let’s say 2 weeks—but the uncertainty of whatever the hell is happening between the two of you is slowly killing you. You have to put your foot down for your own mental health (boundary), so you gently text him, “Just wondering where things are right now. Is this thing still going on or have things fizzled out?” This text is actually ideal for a few reasons:

1. It’s clear and puts an end to ambiguity
2. No pressure (to respond immediately)
3. No demand for more
4. No accusation
5. Offers an offramp

Pat yourself on the back. Well done. Now, depending on whether our avoidant is an externalizer or an internalizer, you’ll see differing behavior. An externalizer will inevitably shift the “blame” and emotional responsibility on you. This is where he will think, “She’s so needy. Why is she always pushing me for more? I feel smothered.” Don’t laugh; this is real. You’ll see gaslighting, making you feel crazy and needy, deflection, and minimization. If left unchecked and unhealed, it can escalate to emotional abuse. Not ideal.

An internalizer will choose silence. Affirming the relationship is admitting he likes you (risk for humiliation and/or rejection) and opens him to the possibility of promising something he is incapable of delivering, activating shame. If he disengages, he loses access to you and it would feel like his fault, which will likely activate his shame as well. Saying nothing? It’s stretching out the ambiguity for “more time.” The joke’s on him because silence feels like the biggest rejection to an anxious nervous system, and he is more likely to experience rejection or punishment in response—but he is more afraid of the shame than either one of those outcomes. Not ideal, either, to be honest.

I can hear the question in your silence. Why does it matter if the hurt is all the same? Well, it’s data. Data informs action. Once you understand why he has behaved this way, you can make an informed decision on how to respond—and it becomes a response, not a reaction. That gives you power, autonomy, authority, and I bet you haven’t felt that power in a long time. It feels good, right?

What data does not do, however, is obligate you to any outcome—tolerating or not tolerating his behavior. It’s just single point of data in a larger observation. Understanding the core of avoidant behavior isn’t about rescuing a drowning relationship—it’s about giving you back your choice, your power, your agency.

This nuance is what these relationship coaches leave unspoken, but it’s the nuance that’s significant to how you approach loving—or detaching from—an avoidantly attached individual. And that is what I intend to bring to you here in Romancing the Fox. I want to guide you, gently, through the turbulent waters of the avoidant’s love landscape because it’s not just irritating or hurtful to you but it’s also terrifying for them, and that matters.

Relationships are two-sided, reciprocal, a closed circuit of two beating hearts. Your needs matter and so do theirs. No one should be forgotten, no one should be brushed over, no one should be sacrificed. There is compassion to be had here, for yourself, first and foremost, and for them. Only through seeing what’s really around you can you step forward or rightfully decide to step backward. That’s what this blog is here for. For clarity in uncertainty, for safety in what has been an emotionally unsafe space, and for reclaiming your agency while still holding empathy and compassion.